Ferris pointed at the thin, shins-high wire strung between the wooden fence posts. “Pee on it,” he said.
I shook my head. He shrugged, and broke a leafy branch from a nearby Cottonwood. He poked it through the woven wire at the goats on the other side. They nibbled and pulled at the treat, and he inched it back in attempt to coax them closer to the electric wire.
“Neither me or those goats,” I said, “are stupid enough to let you get us electrocuted.” I pushed him, and he tipped back off his feet.
“I knew them goats weren’t,” he said, and picked himself up, “but I didn’t hold much favor in you.” He pulled the branch from the fence and tossed it on the ground as he walked away. I picked it up and heaved it to the goats; they bounced, hopped, and bleated their thanks. I followed Ferris to the picnic table where he’d sat next to my sister; the two of them spoke in low voices.
“…and that’s what I said, but he’s too scared—”
“It’s not fear,” I said, and interrupted him, “it’s the experience to know not to do something stupid twice.”
“I’m not scared,” Horrid said. “I’d do it.” Horrid, as in Buck-Toothed Horrid, is the name my older sister, Raymond Barf-Pickle, had given her.
I looked at Horrid and shook my head. “There is no way you are going to pee on that hot-wire,” I said.
“Uh-huh,” she said. She crossed her arms and furrowed her brow.
“Trust me Horrid, if you pee on that fence you’ll split in two.”
Ferris laughed, and Horrid hung her head.
“Listen,” I said, “You really want to see what it’s like? Hold the brave one’s hand, and have him pee on it.”
They scooted apart and Ferris rubbed his hands along his pants. “That’s disgusting,” he said. “We’re cousins.”
“I said hold your ‘hand’ stupid.”
I ran an arm across my forehead and flicked the sweat. Behind the picnic table was the snap-wall swimming pool my parents bought a year prior with inheritance money. “I’m hot,” I said. “You guys want to go swimming?”
Ferris pulled at the moisture in his pits. “Yeah it is. You want to hooky-bob the canal?”
Horrid shuddered. “There’s dead puppies in there,” she said.
“No, over there,” I said, and they turned and looked.
“Are you kidding?” Ferris said. He walked over and scooped out a handful of feathers, leaves, goose excrement, and dark-green algae. “I’d rather hooky-bob. At least the puppies won’t stick to my hair.”
“It’s not that bad,” I said. “It just needs a good cleaning because mom didn’t buy any turtle tablets last time. She figured she didn’t need to spend money on something we rarely use.”
The ‘turtle tablets’ were chlorine tablets to be used with a green piece of plastic molded in the shape of a turtle and supposed to keep the pool clean. The turtle held the chlorine tablet in its mesh womb and when dropped in the pool, the turtle acted as guardian against scum and bugs. Unfortunately, our turtle was a coward and the scum and bugs always won. The pool man convinced dad it was easy maintenance because he wouldn’t have to mix the pool chemicals himself, but after the first thirty days in the sun and the water still turned green, dad was sure the salesman was full of crap. On boring days, we’d shoot BBs at the turtle, or if out of brass ammo, we’d throw rocks.
“We could clean it now,” I said. “Dump it out. Refill it. It’s better than playing out front in the sprinklers and dirt.”
“Or swimming with dead puppies,” said Horrid. She looked at Ferris, and he faked a shiver.
“The fresh water will be cold,” he said.
“That’s better than hot,” I said. I stood. “I’m getting my shorts on.”
He shrugged, and flicked the handful of crap at me. “You’re seriously going to wade in that?”
“You’re right, we’ll need shoes,” I said, and walked to the pool.
“Why?” he said.
“BBs and rocks,” I said.
“Oh, right…wait, I never said I was getting in.”
“I know it’s gross,” I said, “but it’s easier to get in and dump the water out, than reach in from the outside.”
“Can’t we just pull the plug?”
“It doesn’t have one. You scoop out the water, then when it’s low enough, you push down the sides, and—whoosh!—drain it.” I made a wave motion with my hands, and peeked over the edge. “There’s not a lot of scum. We can skim it off and then bail the water. This’ll be easy-cheesy.” I looked at Horrid. “Run inside and grab that metal strainer from the kitchen.”
“Mom said she didn’t want to see us using that again,” she said.
“Then don’t tell her.”
†††††
We skimmed the top layer of scum from the pool. Horrid used the strainer, Ferris his hands, and I circled the pool and made sure they didn’t miss any.
Horrid laughed at two water bugs mating under the surface. “Look,” she said. “He’s getting a piggy-back ride and they have fart bubbles on their butts.”
“That’s for air,” I said. I took the strainer and flicked the beetles onto the grass. The beetles didn’t break during, or after their flight, and stayed mounted even as they bounced across the dusty, weed-pocked lawn.
“Them are two horny bugs,” Ferris said, and I nodded.
“They have horns?” Horrid said. She knelt and studied the bugs. “Where are their horns?”
“Forget it,” I said. I grabbed a bucket, and hopped into the pool. “Let’s hurry and get this…” I paused because Ferris was being a wuss. “Come on Ferris; grab the big bucket would you?”
He sighed and dropped the Mason jar, then grabbed a five-gallon aluminum milk bucket. “Why do you get the half-bucket?” he said. He tip-toed down the ladder into the sternum-deep water.
“You’re bigger,” I said.
Even after we’d skimmed the scum, Horrid was reluctant to enter the pool. She said the remaining beetles scared her, so Ferris and I rounded them up with the strainer and tossed them out. Once satisfied that the water was bug-free, Horrid sunk into the water with us. It topped her clavicles and splashed against her chin, which she kept tipped up to keep the water away from her mouth. Unfortunately, too much movement from either Ferris or me and the water splashed her lips anyway.
Because Ferris was bigger than I, according to my observations he was also less efficient. Where I was quick and agile, he was slow and clumsy, and for every bucket of water he tossed out, I tossed out three. He took notice of my speed, and, obviously impressed, commented on it.
“At least fill the half-bucket half-way,” he said. “For every full one of mine, you toss three nearly empty ones.”
“I prefer, slightly full,” I said. “Besides, I move quite fast with this marvel of ingenuity.” I scooped a Daddy Long-legs spider from the water, but dropped the strainer when the spider clung to my thumb like flotsam. I flicked my wrist and the spider impacted Horrid’s shoulder and stuck there like a spindly mole. Ferris’s eyes grew wide and I gave him the shush signal. He smiled and scooped a bucket of water-logged feathers over the side.
Ferris paused and stared at the fence. “Do you think your dad’ll be mad about all the water around his posts?”
I looked where he pointed; the water had eaten gulches and ravines around the posts. A particularly clever goat tapped one post with its hoof, rocking the post back and forth in its foundation. This was all bad news when your dad was a fence fanatic. Messing with dad’s prized fences was like pissing on Minos in Hell, while laughing about it from a cliff top in Purgatory; sooner or later he’s going to figure out it’s not rain.
“We’ll throw some fresh dirt around it when we’re done,” I said. “He won’t notice. Hey…what do you think would happen if we threw water on that electric fence from here?”
Ferris studied the wire. “Don’t know, but I’m willing to find out. Toss some water on it.”
“Why me?” I said. Horrid swam up and I moved lest the spider make the leap from her shoulder to my bony chest.
“It was your idea,” Ferris said.
“Yeah, it was my idea for you to do it.”
“I’m not doing it,” he said.
“Your ‘willing to find out,’ sounded like you were volunteering,” I said, and Horrid nodded. “See? She agrees. Toss the water.”
Ferris looked at the wire, then the water, then the wire, and then the water. “Ok, I think it’ll be fine,” he said. “It’s a good three feet from us and besides, I’ll be holding this plastic bucket. Electricity doesn’t go through plastic.”
“I didn’t know that,” I said.
“I know a lot of useful things because I read more than you. Such as, I know plastic conducts electricity…” He scooped a bucketful of water and leaned over the edge. “…and that means it blocks it. Should I throw it straight, or arc it up?”
“Arc it,” Horrid said, and clapped her hands.
Ferris pulled the bucket back. “Straight it is,” he said, and thrust the bucket from his mid-section. He pulled back as his arms reached full extension, and the water speared toward the wire. We watched in silence as it missiled over the dry, cracked earth, and completed a circuit with the hot-wire.
Horrid reacted first; partly due to her size and ability to conduct electricity through her tiny frame, and partly because she had reached up and touched the stream as it left the bucket. She jiggled and jolted. Her teeth snapped, and her hair greyed at the temples. The spider shot off her shoulder in a puff of smoke and it screamed as it skipped across the water in a contorted heap of legs.
Ferris gasped and crushed the bucket between his hands. He let loose a cry that frightened ducks from the nearby pond, and he quickly spelled out ‘b-o-l-o-g-n-a’ as he collapsed on the pool wall. Later he’d refuse to admit that he’d peed in the pool when his muscles contracted. “That’s the smell of algae when an electrical charge is passed through it in a liquid environment,” he’d said. “Uncanny, but it really does smell like urine.”
“I just thought it was strange how it smelled like poop once it dried,” I’d said.
“Oh yeah,” he’d said, “it does that too, but it’s rare.”
I was the last to react. Possibly because at a young age I was given the gift of prophecy, but also quite possibly, because I was halfway up the ladder and nearly out of the water once I realized that fool was going to electrocute us all.
I don’t know what it was about that ladder, but I became quite attached to it and I couldn’t release my grip from its metal handle for a good five minutes. I spit taste buds from my tongue and my teeth smoldered like charcoal briquettes, and oddly enough, the piss-scented algae seemed to have attached itself to my shorts as well. After I got some feeling in my legs, and my skin regained its color, I walked down the ladder towards Horrid who floated stomach up. I smacked my fist into her chest and restarted her heart, then I walked to Ferris and did the same to his back, but I struck him purely out of spite. Horrid climbed from the pool and shambled towards the house, dragging her left leg behind her. Saliva streamed from her mouth, and she choked out “mom” in black smoke rings that rose from her mouth and dissipated in her bangs.
Ferris stood up, and I said, “What happened?”
He looked at me, his jaw worked as if he chewed cud, and he spit feathers and algae. “Thunderstorm must of swept in real quick-like,” he said, and picked shards of bucket from the bleeding wounds in his palms. “Do you realize the odds of that hitting this pool?”
“What about the hot-wire?” I said.
“Right,” he said, and scratched his head. “When did we do that exactly?” He dipped his hands and ran the water through his hair, which immediately stood back up. “I lost track of time,” he said. “Which way is east?”
“Why?” I said.
“It’s dark. I can’t tell if it’s morning, or late afternoon. Maybe it’s those damn cataracts.”
“It’s afternoon,” mom said, “and if this is what’s left of my strainer, you’re two are in it deep.” She stood next to the pool, but neither of us had heard her approach, nor had we seen her pull the strainer from the house where the electricity had speared it into the siding minutes before.
“That’s not your strainer,” I said, and waved my hand like a Jedi.
“Wrong answer,” she replied. “Out of the pool, now.” She spat “now” as if it leaked acid, and her spittle burned when it impacted my eyes.
I tugged Ferris’ arm. “C’mon,” I said. “We have to get out.”
“Why?” he said. He looked around and then back at me. “Is it too early?”
“No it’s too late,” I said. “Way late. We’ve released the Kraken, and she’s pissed about her kitchen wares.”
[2246]
43.491831
-116.420122
Not what you’re going to read here. Long day at work. I was (am) very tired. So, I’ll make this a short one for the day and jot down a couple of things I thought of while at work in a state of REM. (It’s a skill.) A skill specific to only one person in every billion who can work and sleep at the same time, and I am one of the 7 on Earth. Don’t research it. It’s real, I assure you. That’s all you need to know.
That’s Meriwether Lewis pointing off into the west.
There’s a panda in that picture to the left. Just the face embedded in the concrete sidewalk, but it scared me all the same. Why would that scare me? Well, because it’s a bear.
