I nodded to my buddy as I walked out the office door and into the hallway. He looked at me as if he had something to say, but I hurried past. After two, 32-ounce cups of water, I was intent on getting to the restroom before I wet myself.
I hurried inside as the door closed behind me and sucked the last of the fresh air out of the room with a woosh. The air inside smelled of rancid vanilla and bleach and I held my breath as I neared the urinal.
I’m not the most social of people and even though I tend to favor walls and couches at parties, I still find the ability to converse with those around me. But when it comes to public urination, I wholeheartedly prefer to stand alone.
I learned of dudeiquette (dude-etiquette) while in the Army and since my induction, I follow my training to a “T”. I make no exceptions. I refuse to go outside the lines or bend the rules. I don’t pilot flights over the no-fly zone. I’m a straight shooter and that’s it.
One of the major dudeiquettes is the dudeiquette rule of restroom spaciousness. This rule states that men, when entering a restroom, must leave at least one urinal or stall between the other man/men in the room. For the most part this is easily achievable, but a few exceptions exist.
I will describe two such exceptions here:
Exception #1: If the restroom houses an odd number of body-waste receptacles (in this example I’ll use three) and two of said receptacles are occupied in accordance with proper dudeiquette, the next man to enter the restroom must wait until one of the odd-numbered receptacles is vacated.
Never during this waiting-period should the waiter look at the backs of the disposers. Nor should the waiter turn his back and look at the disposer in the mirror. This dudeiquette rule provides a safe-disposal environment for any man who may or may not have a block against social-urination.
Exception #2: If the restroom in question houses the infamous trough-urination system, space equal to the width of one 300 pound man should be left between each disposer at the trough. This provides a space equal to that of an odd-numbered receptacle restroom.
In the instance that a social-urination challenged man needs to dispose, this man must wait for a closed-boxed receptacle to vacate. Or, if possible, this man should first inebriate himself before attempting the trough-urination system.
Remember, to avoid confrontations or envy, the eyes at all times are straight forward and never down.
I released my breath as I disposed. With my free hand I pulled my shirt up over my nose as a sort of make-shift filter. It didn’t work.
The door opened and a man walked in and placed his tattered black-leather briefcase on the counter behind me. The door wooshed and he stepped next to me with a zip and a sigh. I rolled my eyes, first rule of dudeiquette neglected.
I held my tongue, but only because I needed my mouth for channeling my breath away from my nose.
I finished my disposal and became the next to break dudeiquette as I looked up when the man next to me emitted a low-pitch rumble. I felt myself the bigger man and provided him a courtesy-flush as he emitted not once, but twice more.
He seemed sure of himself as he smirked at me in the mirror while I washed my hands. I nodded to him in the mirror and exited the restroom.
I stopped to check for new mail and as I walked back to the office I passed him in the hall.
He stood by the elevators, his tattered briefcase in his hand and a slight smirk across his face. His smirk widened as I passed, my cell-phone vibrating noisily in my back-pocket.
It’s then I noticed the vibrating of my phone sounded oddly similar to the sound I’d assumed he’d emitted in the restroom.
Dudeiquette aside, I now felt the idiot.
[675]
43.491831
-116.420122
Dear Dell,
Today I pay my account in full.
Today I say adieu after our three years together.
Before I leave, I would like to impart a few kind words. A benediction of life, if you will.
My dearest Dell, I would like to say “thanks” in advance for allowing me to never purchase a Dell product again. I thank you for the crummy Dell Financial Services customer service I received from the non-native English-speaking customer representatives who had accents so thick that I couldn’t understand anything they said.
I thank you for the 39-dollar fee you charged me for paying my payment on the day that it was due. I thank you for not mentioning on my statement that I must actually pay my bill the day before it’s due to avoid this fee. I know, I know…the fees are because of CheckFree and the way they operate. I understand it is not your fault, but I thank you for not mentioning all this on my statement.
I thank you for closing my account as requested. I received the confirmation by e-mail almost immediately. I will keep my printed copy of this as not only proof of the account closure, but also as a memento of our time together.
I thank you in advance for not allowing me to open another account with your crappy company ever again. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not switching to Apple. I hate the whole Apple mythos. I do want to say that because of this instance, I am happy to never be a Dell customer, or Dell supporter, again. From now on, I will save my money and buy a Toshiba, or Sony, or something from the—half the price of Dell for the same item—ibuypower.com.
I am a little down-hearted about our parting. I tried to support Dell, even when others put you down. I showed my friends my awesome Dell Mini 10. I bragged about my XPS. I said good words about my kids Inspiron. But after this crap with the customer service and the sneaky way I was charged a late fee on the day my payment was due, I have to reiterate that I am done with Dell. I am hurt that it all ends this way and that I am now lashing out by telling everyone how much I cannot stand your company.
It’s not that I want to be this way, but sometimes my mouth just can’t contain what my mind thinks. As you know, word of mouth is awesome. Whereas I used to sway people your way—I got two of my friends to buy minis—I now chase people away with a big, brambly stick. My parents are one of these. No, they never bought a mini, but they were in the market for a new PC—as was I since my XPS is a couple of years old now—but now I will take us all somewhere else. My sister just paid cash for a new netbook a couple of days ago, but it wasn’t a Dell. Nope, I talked her out of it. I told her I really liked mine, but then I explained to her how much better the Toshiba was. Can you believe she actually paid 80 dollars more for the Toshiba than she would have for the Dell? Wow.
Oh well, thanks for the memories,
Phil
Oh! p.s., as an aside, I want to thank you for not putting my account number anywhere on my account page on your website. It’s great that I have to dig up an old paper copy, or wait for the PDF of my statement to download to retrieve my account number. I have a feeling you might say that you don’t display my account number because of security reasons, but I ask, why then can I select any of my electronic statements from my account page and there in the PDF is my account number? Why do you bury it so? Why must I progress through a six-step click process to find information that Dell requests on everything I fill-out or submit on your site? I don’t know the answer to this, but it sure adds to frustration.
*****
Dear Mr. McClellin,
Thank you for contacting us about your account.
Our sincere apologies for any difficulties you may have encountered during your interactions with DFS. While we realize that only our future service opportunities can restore your confidence in us completely, we want to assure you that your experience was unusual. We strive to provide our customers with friendly and efficient service, and hope that any future service opportunities result in your complete satisfaction.
Please accept this email as confirmation that we have waived a late fee of $39.00 as a one-time courtesy. The credit will be reflected on your next regular statement.
Please let us know if you have any additional questions or concerns about the Dell Preferred Account. Agents are available Monday – Friday, 7:00 AM – 8:00 PM CT, at (800) 283-2210. You may also contact us online at www.dell.com/dfs.
Thank you for your continued business.
Sincerely,
Gaylord
Dell Financial Services
Customer Care Department
*****
Dear Dell,
Sigh.
Sincerely,
Phil
[857]
43.491831
-116.420122
