Sorry, late night and forgot to unlock the links.
Should work now.
http://tincangoat.com/2012/04/07/155/
7 April 2012
ECCC 2012, The Pictures
Posted by Tin.Can.Goat under Comics, Creative Non-Fiction, Postpourri | Tags: 2012, comic books, comic geek, comicon, comics, convention, eccc, emerald city comicon, photography, red lantern, seattle, washington |[3] Comments
YEP…so it ends.
At least for another year that is. But there is one more thing to do, show my friends, family, and the rest of you the pix from the 10th annual Emerald City Comicon.
I had this grand plan to write up a witty play-by-play of Emerald City Comicon for this post, but after editing through 667 pictures of the con, I just don’t have the will to grind something cool out for this post. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I’d make a terrible Green Lantern. That’s OK, I fancy myself more of a Red Lantern anyway. (Some comic geek will understand that.)
Make sure you scroll all the way down. There’s information after the teaser screenshots.
As you can see, I’ve thrown a couple of teaser pix in the post, but the remaining 473 amazing pictures from before, during, and after the con are contained within the magical realm of Picasa and to get there, you’ll have to click one of the following links:
- SLIDESHOW (You ain’t gotta do nothin, but sit back and watch the pictures fly by.)
- CLICK-THROUGH (You have to click the left/right arrows, as appropriate.)
- PICK-&-CHOOSE (Do this if you want to ruin the experience I’ve created. More for return viewers.)
So, that does it for this year. I had a blast. Gained some stories, which I’ll write about later. And again, had the most amazing time of my life.
Enjoy,
Phil
[235]
4 April 2012
2012 Eisner Awards Nominees
Posted by Tin.Can.Goat under Comics, Postpourri | Tags: comic books, comics, eisner awards, sdcc |1 Comment
It’s that awesome time of the year when the geeks and nerds come out from their winter hovels and venture out to the awesomeness of comicons. I’m officially a frequenter of the Emerald City Comicon (ECCC) in Seattle, WA. I say “frequent” because I’ve been there 4 of the past 10 shows.
Even so, I’ve never been to the holy mother of comicons, the comicon that is the one everyone thinks of when someone says, “Comicon”, the San Diego Comicon. The SDCC is the reason for this post tonight. You see, every year at the SDCC the winners of the Eisner Awards are announced. That’s when we find out who are the best of the best in the comic book world.
But before the winners are announced, we must have the nominees and this is what I bring you tonight. (My hopes/favorites in each category are in red. Well, at least the ones I’ve actually read and/or like.)
EISNER AWARD NOMINEES 2012
Best Short Story
“A Brief History of the Art Form Known as Hortisculpture,” by Adrian Tomine, in Optic Nerve #12 (Drawn & Quarterly)
“Harvest of Fear,” by Jim Woodring, in The Simpsons’ Treehouse of Horror #17 (Bongo)
“The Phototaker,” by Guy Davis, in Metal Hurlant vol. 2 (Humanoids)
“The Seventh,” by Darwyn Cooke, in Richard Stark’s Parker: The Martini Edition(IDW)
“The Speaker,” by Brandon Graham, in Dark Horse Presents #7 (Dark Horse)
Best Single Issue (or One-Shot)
Daredevil #7, by Mark Waid, Paolo Rivera, and Joe Rivera (Marvel)
Ganges #4, by Kevin Huizenga (Fantagraphics)
Locke & Key: Guide to the Known Keys, by Joe Hill and Gabriel Rodriguez (IDW)
Princeless #3, by Jeremy Whitley and M. Goodwin (Action Lab)
The Unwritten #24: “Stairway to Heaven” by Mike Carey, Peter Gross, and Al Davison (Vertigo/DC)
Best Continuing Series
Daredevil, by Mark Waid, Marcos Martin, Paolo Rivera, and Joe Rivera (Marvel)
Naoki Urasawa’s 20th Century Boys, by Naoki Urasawa (VIZ Media)
Rachel Rising, by Terry Moore (Abstract Studio)
Ultimate Comics Spider-Man, by Brian Michael Bendis and Sara Pichelli (Marvel)
Usagi Yojimbo, by Stan Sakai (Dark Horse)
Best Limited Series
Atomic Robo and the Ghost of Station X, by Brian Clevinger and Scott Wegener (Red 5)
Criminal: The Last of the Innocent, by Ed Brubaker and Sean Phillips (Marvel Icon)
Flashpoint: Batman – Knight of Vengeance, by Brian Azzarello and Eduardo Risso (Vertigo/DC)
The New York Five, by Brian Wood and Ryan Kelly (Vertigo/DC)
Who Is Jake Ellis? by Nathan Edmondson & Tonci Zonjic (Image)
Best Publication for Early Readers (up to age 7)
Beauty and the Squat Bears, by Émile Bravo (Yen Press)
Benjamin Bear in Fuzzy Thinking, by Philippe Coudray (Candlewick/Toon Books)
Dragon Puncher Island, by James Kochalka (Top Shelf)
Nursery Rhyme Comics, edited by Chris Duffy (First Second)
Patrick in a Teddy Bear’s Picnic, by Geoffrey Hayes (Candlewick/Toon Books)
Best Publication for Kids (ages 8-12)
The All-New Batman: The Brave and the Bold, by Sholly Fisch, Rick Burchett, and Dan Davis (DC)
Amelia Rules: The Meaning of Life … And Other Stuff, by Jimmy Gownley (Atheneum)
The Ferret’s a Foot, by Colleen AF Venable and Stephanie Yue (Graphic Universe/Lerner)
Princeless, by Jeremy Whitley and M. Goodwin (Action Lab)
Snarked, by Roger Langridge (kaboom!)
Zita the Space Girl, by Ben Hatke (First Second)
Best Publication for Young Adults (Ages 12-17)
Anya’s Ghost, by Vera Brosgol (First Second) [This is my favorite from last year.]
Around the World, by Matt Phelan (Candlewick)
Level Up, by Gene Yang and Thien Pham (First Second)
Life with Archie, by Paul Kupperberg, Fernando Ruiz, Pat & Tim Kennedy, Norm Breyfogle et al. (Archie)
Mystic, by G. Willow Wilson and David Lopez (Marvel)
Best Anthology
Dark Horse Presents, edited by Mike Richardson (Dark Horse)
Nelson, edited by Rob Davis and Woodrow Phoenix (Blank Slate)
Nursery Rhyme Comics, edited by Chris Duffy (First Second)
The Someday Funnies, edited by Michel Choquette (Abrams ComicArts)
Yiddishkeit: Jewish Vernacular and the New Land, edited by Harvey Pekar and Paul Buhle (Abrams ComicArts)
Best Humor Publication
The Art of Doug Sneyd: A Collection of Playboy Cartoons (Dark Horse Books)
Chimichanga, by Eric Powell (Dark Horse)
Coffee: It’s What’s for Dinner, by Dave Kellett (Small Fish)
Kinky & Cosy, by Nix (NBM)
Milk & Cheese: Dairy Products Gone Bad, by Evan Dorkin (Dark Horse Books)
Best Digital Comic
Bahrain, by Josh Neufeld, www.cartoonmovement.com/comic/24
Battlepug, by Mike Norton, www.battlepug.com
Delilah Dirk and the Turkish Lieutenant, by Tony Cliff, www.delilahdirk.com
Outfoxed, by Dylan Meconis, www.dylanmeconis.com/outfoxed
Sarah and the Seed, by Ryan Andrews, www.ryan-a.com/comics/sarahandtheseed01.htm
Best Reality-Based Work
Around the World, by Matt Phelan (Candlewick)
Green River Killer: A True Detective Story, by Jeff Jensen and Jonathan Case (Dark Horse Books)
Marzi: A Memoir, by Marzena Sowa and Sylvain Savoia (Vertigo/DC)
Onward Towards Our Noble Deaths, by Shigeru Mizuki (Drawn & Quarterly)
Vietnamerica, by GB Tran (Villard)
Best Graphic Album – New
Bubbles & Gondola, by Renaud Dillies (NBM)
Freeway, by Mark Kalesniko (Fantagraphics)
Habibi, by Craig Thompson (Pantheon)
Ivy, by Sarah Olekysk (Oni)
Jim Henson’s Tale of Sand, adapted by Ramón K. Pérez (Archaia)
One Soul, by Ray Fawkes (Oni)
Best Graphic Album – Reprint
Big Questions, by Anders Nilsen (Drawn & Quarterly)
The Death Ray, by Dan Clowes (Drawn & Quarterly)
Richard Stark’s Parker: The Martini Edition, by Darwyn Cooke (IDW)
WE3: The Deluxe Edition, by Grant Morrison and Frank Quitely (Vertigo/DC)
Zahra’s Paradise, by Amir and Khalil (First Second)
Best Archival Collection/Project – Strips
Flash Gordon and Jungle Jim, by Alex Raymond and Don Moore, edited by Dean Mullaney (IDW/Library of American Comics)
Forgotten Fantasy: Sunday Comics 1900-1915, edited by Peter Maresca (Sunday Press)
Prince Valiant vols. 3-4, by Hal Foster, edited by Kim Thompson (Fantagraphics)
Tarpé Mills’s Miss Fury Sensational Sundays, 1944-1949, edited by Trina Robbins (IDW/Library of American Comics)
Walt Disney’s Mickey Mouse vols. 1-2, by Floyd Gottfredson, edited by David Gerstein and Gary Groth (Fantagraphics)
Best Archival Collection/Project – Comic Books
Government Issue: Comics for the People: 1940s-2000s, edited by Richard L. Graham (Abrams ComicArts)
The MAD Fold-In Collection, by Al Jaffee (Chronicle)
PS Magazine: The Best of Preventive Maintenance Monthly, by Will Eisner (Abrams ComicArts)
The Sugar and Spike Archives, vol. 1, by Sheldon Mayer (DC)
Walt Simonson’s The Mighty Thor Artist’s Edition (IDW)
Best U.S. Edition of International Material
Bubbles & Gondola, by Renaud Dillies (NBM)
Isle of 100,000 Graves, by Fabien Vehlmann and Jason (Fantagraphics)
Like a Sniper Lining Up His Shot, by Jacques Tardi and Jean-Patrick Manchette (Fantagraphics)
The Manara Library, vol. 1: Indian Summer and Other Stories, by Milo Manara with Hugo Pratt (Dark Horse Books)
Night Animals: A Diptych About What Rushes Through the Bushes, by Brecht Evens (Top Shelf)
Best U.S. Edition of International Material – Asia
A Bride’s Story, by Kaoru Mori (Yen Press)
Drops of God, by Tadashi Agi and Shu Okimoto (Vertical)
Onward Towards Our Noble Deaths, by Shigeru Mizuki (Drawn & Quarterly)
Saturn Apartments, vols. 3-4, by Hisae Iwaoka (VIZ Media)
Stargazing Dog, by Takashi Murakami (NBM)
Wandering Son, vol. 1, by Shimura Takako (Fantagraphics)
Best Writer
Cullen Bunn, The Sixth Gun (Oni)
Mike Carey, The Unwritten (Vertigo/DC)
Jeff Jensen, Green River Killer: A True Detective Story (Dark Horse Books)
Jeff Lemire, Animal Man, Flashpoint: Frankenstein and the Creatures of the Unknown, Frankenstein: Agent of S.H.A.D.E. (DC); Sweet Tooth (Vertigo/DC)
Mark Waid, Irredeemable, Incorruptible (BOOM!); Daredevil (Marvel)
Best Writer/Artist
Rick Geary, The Lives of Sacco and Vanzetti (NBM)
Terry Moore, Rachel Rising (Abstract Studio)
Sarah Oleksyk, Ivy (Oni)
Craig Thompson, Habibi (Pantheon)
Jim Woodring, Congress of the Animals (Fantagraphics), “Harvest of Fear,” inThe Simpsons’ Treehouse of Horror #17 (Bongo)
Best Penciller/Inker or Penciller/Inker Team
Michael Allred, iZombie (Vertigo/DC); Madman All-New Giant-Size Super-Ginchy Special (Image)
Ramón K. Pérez, Jim Henson’s Tale of Sand (Archaia)
Chris Samnee, Captain America and Bucky, Ultimate Spider-Man #155 (Marvel)
Marcos Martin, Daredevil (Marvel)
Paolo Rivera/Joe Rivera, Daredevil (Marvel)
Best Cover Artist
Michael Allred, iZombie (Vertigo/DC)
Francesco Francavilla, Black Panther (Marvel); Lone Ranger, Lone Ranger/Zorro, Dark Shadows, Warlord of Mars (Dynamite); Archie Meets Kiss (Archie)
Victor Kalvachev, Blue Estate (Image)
Marcos Martin, Daredevil, Amazing Spider-Man (Marvel)
Sean Phillips, Criminal: The Last of the Innocent (Marvel Icon)
Yuko Shimizu, The Unwritten (Vertigo/DC)
Best Coloring
Laura Allred, iZombie (Vertigo/DC); Madman All-New Giant-Size Super-Ginchy Special (Image)
Bill Crabtree, The Sixth Gun (Oni)
Ian Herring and Ramón K. Pérez, Jim Henson’s Tale of Sand (Archaia)
Victor Kalvachev, Blue Estate (Image)
Cris Peter, Casanova: Avaritia, Casanova: Gula (Marvel Icon)
Best Lettering
Deron Bennett, Billy Fog, Jim Henson’s Dark Crystal, Jim Henson’s Tale of Sand, Mr. Murder Is Dead (Archaia); Helldorado, Puss N Boots, Richie Rich (APE Entertainment)
Jimmy Gownley, Amelia Rules! The Meaning of Life … And Other Stuff(Atheneum)
Laura Lee Gulledge, Page by Paige (Amulet Books/Abrams)
Tom Orzechowski, Manara Library, with L. Lois Buholis(Dark Horse); Manga Man(Houghton Mifflin); Savage Dragon (Image)
Stan Sakai, Usagi Yojimbo (Dark Horse)
Best Comics-Related Journalism
The AV Club Comics Panel, by Noel Murray, Oliver Sava et al., www.avclub.com/features/comics-panel/
The Beat, produced by Heidi MacDonald et al., www.comicsbeat.com
The Comics Journal, edited by Gary Groth, and The Comics Journal website, www.tcj.com, edited by Timothy Hodler and Dan Nadel (Fantagraphics)
The Comics Reporter, produced by Tom Spurgeon, www.comicsreporter.com
TwoMorrows Publications: Alter Ego edited by Roy Thomas, Back Issue edited by Michael Eury, Draw edited by Mike Manley, and Jack Kirby Collector edited by John Morrow
Best Educational/Academic Work
Alan Moore: Conversations, ed. by Eric Berlatsky (University Press of Mississippi)
Cartooning: Philosophy & Practice, by Ivan Brunetti (Yale University Press)
Critical Approaches to Comics: Theories and Methods, edited by Matthew J. Smith and Randy Duncan (Routledge)
Hand of Fire: The Comics Art of Jack Kirby, by Charles Hatfield (University Press of Mississippi)
Projections: Comics and the History of 21st Century Storytelling, by Jared Gardner (Stanford University Press)
Best Comics-Related Book
Archie: A Celebration of America’s Favorite Teenagers, edited by Craig Yoe (IDW/Yoe Books)
Caniff: A Visual Biography, edited by Dean Mullaney (IDW/Library of American Comics)
Drawing Power: A Compendium of Cartoon Advertising, edited by Rick Marschall and Warren Bernard (Fantagraphics/Marschall Books)
Genius Isolated: The Life and Art of Alex Toth, designed by Dean Mullaney (IDW/Library of American Comics)
MetaMaus, by Art Spiegelman (Pantheon)
Best Publication Design
Genius Isolated: The Life and Art of Alex Toth, designed by Dean Mullaney (IDW/Library of American Comics)
Jim Henson’s Tale of Sand, designed by Eric Skillman (Archaia)
Kinky & Cosy, designed by Nix (NBM)
The MAD Fold-In Collection, designed by Michael Morris (Chronicle)
Richard Stark’s Parker: The Martini Edition, designed by Darwyn Cooke (IDW)
Well, that’s all for me. I’ll update with the winners come SDCC.
Link to original source: http://www.comic-con.org/cci/cci_eisners_main.php
[1733]
13 March 2012
Self-Inflicted Ageism
Posted by Tin.Can.Goat under Creative Non-Fiction, Humor (yet true), Postpourri, Work out and Weight loss | Tags: health, healthy-living, medicine, travel, vacation, yoga |Leave a Comment
It’s four days and a wake-up until I’m 40.
That picture there, the one with the goat, that’s me. Yep, I was young once. About 13 or 14 in that one, I reckon. (Damn, I miss those goats.)
I’ve always thought I wouldn’t be old until I was older than the characters on “Thirty Something”; four days and a wake-up… It’s funny that back then I thought those characters were old as hell, but hindsight shows me the real fool, as I see people in their 50’s and 60’s and they don’t seem that old to me at all.
I’ve done my best to keep young. I read and collect comic books; something many people tell me is childish. They poke fun too, but I guess that’s what age does; it makes us braver than our youth, or stupid enough to just not care. Who do I have to impress anymore? I guess that’s why I still attend comic book conventions, because I don’t care what others think. I’ve spent too much of my life worrying about that, only to realize that same person is sooner gone from my life, than later. And you know what? After the fact, their opinion doesn’t mean squat. Besides, there’s only one person I ever try to impress anymore and whose opinion I hold in high regard, my father. And that’s just because I’ll never be as good as him, ever. So I’ll read and collect my comics, visit my conventions—the next one is less than two weeks away—and I’ll just enjoy the hell out of it and not care if you like that or not. I will admit that the convention thing is getting weird. I mean, me there, the older man, taking pictures of all the young adults in costume…yeah, weird.
I still do Karate. I finished a black belt in Kajukenbo and am now starting over as a white-ish belt in San Soo, the art I wanted to start from the beginning. Even so, it’s good that I’ve done both, as each builds on the other. I just wish I’d started it 22 years ago when I finally did some jumping jacks and dropped my balls far enough to get the nerve to walk into a Kenpo school in Nampa, where I was immediately chided for walking on the mats with my shoes on. (A sign for the ignorant near the door would have been nice.) Because of that incident, it took me 15 years, three fights, a kick to the teeth in Korea, and a good paying job to get the nerve to try again. I’m not the best at it, but I’m not the worst either. Besides that, I love it. I could have been a contender, to use a tired cliché.
Why am I bitching? I’m not, just reminiscing before I forget it all.
This is bitching: I still have my health, as some would say. But I don’t know if that’s entirely true.
I wake up earlier, like my dad, but go to bed at the same late hours, and it kills me. Why? One, because I can. Two, because I can’t. Does that make sense? No? Good, you understand.
I can no longer drink like a fish on Saturday and hope to recover by Monday. Friday’s have become my drinking-buffer day. In another decade I’ll move it to Thursday’s. After I’m 50 I’ll pretty much hit the bottle every day just to feel something course through my veins besides memories and dust.
My lower back hurts most of the time, real low, just above the coccyx. The doctors insist it’s a prostate problem, and are more than happy to finger my anus to prove my theory that it’s my posture, is wrong. I’m still winning, as the six times on antibiotics have done nothing but weaken my bones.
I’m one of the Idaho “down winders”. And because of that, I’ve got a thyroid that can’t tell if it wants to take a pencil-sized growth and fashion me a goiter. That’s going to be one hell of a Christmas scarf to knit when that baby develops.
My chest hurts, but it’s not my heart, even though my cholesterol is riding the missile at 220. It’s an inflammation of cartilage between my ribs and sternum. Chiropractor works some times, acupuncture others, but I mainly do that because it’s easier to settle in for an hour or two nap when pierced by 30 needles.
I’ve got a pain in my groin that does not relate to having too much sex. (I’ll just leave that one where it lay.)
So any parting wisdom? No, I don’t think so. Except maybe this: I think my younger friend at work put it best when he wrote the following in an email to me last week, “Dude, look on the bright side, I think you’re at the protected worker age.”
/Sigh. Yeah, I’m there, dude. Four days and a wake-up.
Oh yeah, this picture down here. That’s me from tonight’s run. I’m dying after a 1-mile run that 20 years ago I ran consistently in 4 minutes, 27 seconds. Nowadays I’m lucky to take a crap in that same amount of time.
[860]
22 February 2012
Thank You, Come Again
Posted by Tin.Can.Goat under Creative Non-Fiction, Humor (yet true), Postpourri, Writing | Tags: mossy rock, pigeon portal, us bank, virgin spring |1 Comment
The following is the epic I scribed US Bank’s customer service this morning and sent to them via the contact us pigeon-portal, sub-headed section “Comments”.
——————————————-
I would just like to thank your company for employing one of the world’s true telephone banking gods in order to assist me with my internet banking this morning. I’m sorry I don’t have his name to scribe in this epic, as I lost track of it whilst absorbing his grandeur.
Let me explain. After I waited the obligatory two-minutes to speak to a human, I heard the angelic voice of the USB banker. Immediately I knew something was amiss as this “man”—as I once considered him—could only be described as a god. I explained to his greatness my plight. That I was attempting to register a new credit card to my online banking account, but had neither my account number nor my USB debit card to finish the process. He listened to my cries and assured me that I could log into my USB account and retrieve that information. Quite possibly it was the scent of jasmine that wafted from the receiver that scrambled my senses, or possibly I simply felt the fool and I explained thus to him: “I can’t get into my regular online banking because the USB web site is redirecting me to the screen in which I’m being asked to add my new USB credit card for online banking. I can proceed no further unless I obtain my banking account number.”
“Verily,” he stated. His words trickled through the phone and giggled in my ears as does the virgin spring water down a mossy, rock-filled stream. “Thy account is truly unlocked and you most certainly may log in.”
I’m not sure how I didn’t notice this of what he spake. It wasn’t as if I could doubt him, for he is a god and has to be right. How could a mortal, such as myself possess knowledge that only the god’s bear. Who am I to question one so omniscient? I bade him forgive me, and I again closed my browser and again for the thrice time this day, navigated to the USB site, and again attempted to log in. Alas, I was faced with the same screen as before. What was I to do with this great titan before me? Should I question the wisdom of this god and thus endure his wrath? Or should I succumb, hang up, and offer sacrifices upon an ashen alter in his name? No, I am a man, I thought. I am here because of the gods, not for them. It is they who created me, and it is they who should therefore heed my cries and answer my prayers. With courage I spake as such to he and he paused. “Hmm,” he said. His voice strummed as an angelic harp, but he said no more.
My newfound courage faltered and I questioned myself. Maybe I’m truly the once confused, I thought. So I explained what happened in full. I sang the poem of my purchase from NewEgg.com with my new USB credit card. I spake of my experience after checkout, about how a USB prompt asked me if I’d like to add internet shopping protection to this new USB credit card. I stabbed “Yes” with my internet gladius and entered the required information in the USB-provided fields. It was then that a sulfurous cloud manifested on my screen, heralding the forthcoming of an internet Error-2003 demon. Frightened, I quickly closed the pop-up lest the demon swallow my soul and harry my loved ones.
Our connection was godly—the USB phone banker and I—almost telepathic, as I could feel the nod of his head as he listened to my epic. His empathy swelled my courage. I truly felt secure and I knew this man, this Perseus of phone banking mounted on his winged land-line, Pegasus, was going to make everything right in my internet world. He paused, but then his voice filtered through as if carried by cherubs, “Let me transfer you.”
I cried no, do not transfer me, for I have no coin to pay the boatman Charon and surely my soul would be lost in the realm of Hades; forever tormented by the obscene Error-2003 demon, with its fiery eyes and blue-speckled, corpse-white skin.
Maybe it was my trembling voice or quite possibly it was my whimpering mews, but something about my plea stayed his hand and he remained on the phone with me.
He asked again of my request, and I meekly asked for my banking account number—I’d gladly have offered the ashes of my prized fainting-goat if he’d answer my prayer—he again paused, and again I beheld the angelic thrumming of harps. But alas and anon, his words brought false hope and he directed me to the nearest USB mortal-stronghold many leagues from my current location. “There,” he swore; his voice thunder-clapped across the landline. “There they hold the answer you seek.”
I knew then that this quest was again mine. I was the one the USB gods were testing and that I must roll my stone up the hill to receive the answers I seek.
I accepted the USB god’s quest with apprehension and a wanderer’s lust. I will seek this stronghold and I will prevail; just as soon as they open at nine.
OK, maybe this was more of a complaint. Thanks for wasting my time this morning.
[910]
8 February 2012
Wittlesscisms
Posted by Tin.Can.Goat under Creative Non-Fiction, Humor (yet true), Postpourri | Tags: legal jargon, odd things, social networking site, wittiness |Leave a Comment
Witticism — Noun – A message whose ingenuity or verbal skill or incongruity has the power to evoke laughter.
Wittlesscism – Noun, I guess — A string of word formed in my mind that many times sound funnier than they really are.
Not what you’re going to read here. Long day at work. I was (am) very tired. So, I’ll make this a short one for the day and jot down a couple of things I thought of while at work in a state of REM. (It’s a skill.) A skill specific to only one person in every billion who can work and sleep at the same time, and I am one of the 7 on Earth. Don’t research it. It’s real, I assure you. That’s all you need to know.
OK, so the thing is when I am that tired, I think of odd things. When I write “odd”, I mean odder than the normally odd things that pass through my mind like a fart through a screen door. Note: I hate similes, but I can’t stop using them. It’s as if I can’t think of anything creative to say, like my creative well has run dry. Damn, I did it again.
I’ll start with the obvious, the picture here is mine. I posted a comment to a friend’s post on a social networking site—since removed by the OP (original poster)—and took a picture of said comment and post before it could be removed. I have blocked out the names to protect the poster and my identity. And disguised our profile pictures so that we cannot be identified in public. This picture is the first of my wittlesscisms for today, the others follow the next paragraph full of necessary legal jargon.
Enjoy, if you will.
FYI; just a little note; ahem; read this: I titled this post “Wittlesscisms” because even though I think a lot of the things I say are witty, others don’t. Typically this is the person about whom the wittiness is directed and who doesn’t share my humour and considers me witless. That’s fine, I don’t let it bother me. My thing is, even if only one other person laughs, then it’s all been worth while and that’s all the thanks I need. (I’m talking to you, mom.)
——While cleaning condiments from my clothing during lunch:
- “My hamburger was so happy I was eating, that she came all over my coat and pants.”
——While driving back from lunch:
- “Just watched a hippie throw his cellphone against a tree. Guess that sperm-donor job just didn’t pan out. Maybe he’s mad because they were jerking him around?”
- Yes, the angry hippie really threw his phone against a tree. It was funny watching him pick it back up and dust it off.
——While driving too purchase hamburger referenced in #1:
- “I just passed a man on the street standing next to an empty gas can and holding a sign that reads, ‘Living in van. Anything helps.’ So I offered him curtains.”
- The guy was outside Chevron. I didn’t say the statement above, but when I thought about it I laughed.
——While packing coat pockets to leave for lunch:
- “I’m getting old and going to forget I put this in that pocket.”
——While unpacking coat pockets after returning from lunch:
- “You ever lock something up, hide it, or simply put it away, and think I’m going to forget I put that there? Yeah, me too. It explains the cat skeleton I found in my suitcase last week.”
[581]
7 February 2012
Historical BEARS!
Posted by Tin.Can.Goat under Creative Non-Fiction, Humor (yet true), Postpourri | Tags: coon skin hat, meriwether lewis, twisted hair, water bucket, west cross |1 Comment
That’s Meriwether Lewis pointing off into the west.
You can’t see him, but next to Meriwether is Nez Perce Chief, Twisted Hair. At their feet—and also outside the picture—is the chief’s son, Lawyer.
Also not in the picture is Lewis’s buddy and trekking partner, Clark. Clark was a part of the once-quartet at one point, but after six months of inhaling Meriwether’s skunky feet and enduring the high-pitched, nasally whistle Meriwether called “breathing,” Clark realized he’d reached a crescendo of nerve-rattling aggravation and needed some “me time.” So when Lewis got up to admire his hair in the reflection of a nearby water bucket, Clark slipped away to the casino lest he skin his coon-skin hat a second time.
Meriwether’s pointing off in the distance because Chief Twisted Hair gave the lost Meriwether directions out of the Idaho woods. His advice was to go west, cross the river, and follow the mountains down into the valley. The problem is, Meriwether didn’t exactly agree with the chief’s directions. He’s thinking he’s right, and that the chief’s braids are twisted a bit too tightly. Meriwether’s certain the Chief isn’t thinking of sending him and Clark out that way—the way he’s pointing with the dumb look on his face—because there is no way any sane man could think that way.
I imagine the conversation went a bit like this:
LEWIS
(waving hands frantically in air)
You can’t be serious?
CHIEF
As a heart attack.
LEWIS
(pointing again)
That way?
CHIEF
Yes.
LEWIS
With the stickers?
CHIEF
Yes.
LEWIS
Would you go that way?
CHIEF
(rolling eyes)
Yes.
(under his breath)
I should have gone with Clark.
LEWIS
(scratching his chin)
I don’t know if I can do that.
CHIEF
(kicks the dirt)
I assure you, it’s the best way.
LEWIS
What about the bears?
CHIEF
What about them?
LEWIS
They’re bears for shit’s sake!
CHIEF
(to Lawyer)
Earmuffs!
(to Lewis)
Listen, you’re obviously out of your mind, and I’m getting bored. You’re worried about an animal that eats and shits berries, and I’m wondering how you made it this far.
So, I’m going to take Lawyer here to his wet-nurse—
LEWIS
Wet-nurse? He’s what, ten?
CHIEF
—and have his ears leeched.
Then I’m going to go overdose on buffalo milk with Clark.
Maybe my bowels will explode.
LEWIS
Berries? Berries? Tell that to Frank. Frank wasn’t a berry.
CHIEF
Listen, you stay here and worry about the giant rats—
LEWIS
Berries. The man said, ‘berries.’ Bears eating berries and he thinks I’m going to follow his directions? He’s out of his mind.
CHIEF
—and I’m out.
Where’s a tree when you want to hang yourself? Acres of sagebrush, when all you need is a damn tree.
(pulls Lawyer’s hands from his ears)
Come. I can’t have crazy rubbing off on you.
Now we all know Meriwether wasn’t crazy, history has proven that. What history hasn’t told most of you is that Meriwether was well-informed, as any sane person should be when it comes to bears. And there’s a reason Meriwether came to know so much about bears, because before he and Clark crossed the great Mississippi they were guided by one of my early-American relatives, Captain John McClellin.
And what do you think Captain McClellin carried with him when travelling the unknowns? Why Alaska Bear Tales, of course. (ISBN: 0-88240-232-3. You know, in case you forgot how much you wanted to experience the sulfur-stink bolges Hell without dying.)
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